Up Down

Spend the day at the Alleghany Casino. It was defiantly an up and down day. Since my birthday is tomorrow I thought I treat myself to a day of gambling. Lets just say it was a nice day and leave it at that. Least I had enough comp dollars to buy the buffet for supper and alot left over for next time. We left at 9am and returned at 8:30pm. (Six hours spent on driving, rest gambling) Father seemed pissed since no-one was here to make his supper. He went to bed right after we got home. (usually goes at 8) Remember all, he lived last year by himself and cooked and cleaned for himself then; why not now? He's still very capable of opening a can of soup and heating it up. I think he wanted me to feel bad because I didn't tell him I wasn't going to be home tonight when he got home. Oh well! I do have to get out of town once in a while. Well, its time to call it a night; I'll be older in a little while; like 38 minutes from now...so goodnight all...........

This is one visitor that isn't welcomed here; I can't shoot this one with the sling shot. He can sniff and root around all he wants too.  

Comments Welcome

Just wondering who reads this blog thingie and wishing I got more comments; so post a comment; please...

Happy Easter All! 

Feeding the fish at a lodge in Canada... 

I lie awake

I lie awake listening to the rain. Toss and turn, a tear trickles down my cheek. Sleep does not come to me tonight; no words of love, a touch of an hand does not help me...I slip from the bed to the computer room. The floor still creaks and I fumble for the lamp...to type again. I have such a hard time saying what I mean..this comes from years of holding back my emotions..I always go with the flow; thru good and bad times. I never used to cry in front of someone, I cried when I was alone. I was the one to make decisions (not my choice) so I always had to be strong. Even when my marriage failed after 30 yrs. I didn't cry; I didn't feel the lost. I had to be strong. I had to take care of father and make decisions for him..put myself aside again and then the cycle repeats again... It seems I have no place in the hearts of the men who dwell with me...as another tear trickles down my cheek I wait for tomorrow....

Reality Of A Empty Nest

It's a horrible feeling; my children are gone...no Easter baskets fill or find, no more egg hunts for to see who gets more eggs...It's all gone....hard to believe the years have pasted so quickly. One week from tomorrow I'll be older; maybe a little wiser. Reality has set in....I'm alone!!!!

The Bandit is caught red handed!! 3/21/05;10:30pm 

Grade-A Sunday...Did you stand your egg up today? Can only be done on the first day of Spring..give it a try. 

Just click

Click once on the picture to enlarge. First picture on the left has a dog in it. Isn't Red cute?...he doesn't bark or eat, he just collects dust. He looks real and often when company comes they remark on how good he is. Sure he is, he's stuffed. I found him in a little gift shop in Pittsburgh; had to have him; so now Red resides with me.... I love having a dog around; hopefully this summer I can get another Yorkshire Terrier. My Dixiedoodle lost her life last summer due to a hit and run driver; it tore me apart for weeks on end. But she had to chase that darn rabbit....towards the road; not out back. I still miss her! She's now with my first yorkie Muffin who died at 14 with ovarian cancer...enough of this I'm getting weepy.
Think Spring everyone...tomorrow is the first day!

The bunny room 

Part of bunny heaven 

We're Avoiding the subject..

Seems we're having a bit of a cold war going on in this house..The Lover clearly doesn't want to talk about it...(he reads my blog). I wish you (lover) would put yourself in my place and ask yourself how would you feel if you were me? Would your heart hurt like mine? Would you feel betrayed? Do I dare trust anyone anymore with my heart?
I ask myself if your looking for a way out of this relationship? I can't answer this; only you can? What we've had has been special; (to me it has been) I'll heal in time; I'll move on..so if you want to go, go.. don't look back...spring is almost here; it's to be a time for new beginnings..will it be together or will it be apart? It's in your hands?

No place to hide...

No place run to; no safety net to fall into.....I feel used and violated and very lonely. Even though Father and the Lover are here; Father still has his shell of a woman; and the Lover has his first woman...maybe not right now; but I'm pretty sure in the future he will...I'm giving up...I feel the difference in our relationship my Lover since Christmas. I guess I can't blame you for trying to get back what you lost years ago..Most people do miss what they had after the fact and sometimes its to late. The grass isn't greener on the otherside; is it? Only seems that way in the beginning....then it starts to change color.
I do blame you lover for not being honest with me..Like: when the last visit up north and you dropping me off at the casino on the last night there; and you were to pick me up in two hours; not 4 hours later. But I guess you had to attend to your first love..Did you think I didn't know? You always said I don't say what I mean; but I'm saying this. I want to thank you for hurting me; this means I'm alive and I can feel and I can hope...What about you? What do you want? Tell me!! Has this been your plan from the beginning? (use her and then lose her) You are not my slave and I'm not your captor...remember those words..you used them to describe your being here with me..to someone.
The joke has been on me..has been it seems since the beginning of this relationship.(am I right?) I guess I know now how your ex felt when you did it to her...Lover you don't always say what you mean either. You tend to hide things.. But I sense somehow that your hiding more from me.
Lover what do we do now; where do we go from here? Talk; come clean about what's on our mind? You decide? You can't have it both ways. Make your mind up as to what you want? I deserve at least this much from you..because I have no place to hide; no place to run to; no safely net to fall into...I have nothing....left to give...

Went Hunting On a Sunday

Yep; went road hunting for Elk!! Father told me last week that he saw Elk on a farm not to far home...
I knew about the Buffalo being only 5miles away..not the Elk...so the Lover and I hopped in the truck armed with the(can you guess?)camera and off we went to investigate. I headed in the direction of a short cut through the state game lands; so I could do a round trip after seeing the Elk...with the price of gas, Sunday jaunts have to be shorter....Finally in the location my father gave me.. I saw nothing, went as far as the Buffalo so I must have missed the elk somehow...Turned around and retraced the way I came. OK; with four eyes one of us should have seen them....but no..couldn't find them...Damn, I wanted to see them...so took another road to come back home...and yet another back road(I like getting the Lover mixed up with all the different roads I take, some he remembers and some he doesn't; where he's from all the roads run in blocks; not like here, they go this way and that way. Usually the Lover carries the county map with all the roads named on it, but not today!) The last back road is my favorite, the Hemlock trees still had snow on them and the road is white, with the sun out today it was like a picture postcard ..Sorry didn't take any pictures..Have some from last year somewhere in a file..Just take my word for it; beauty was out in full force on this road. So when Father came home tonight I asked him where exactly are the elk? Over a little hill;you have to really look for them he said. Just past the big field on the right. Getting frustrated I nodded and said I knew where now, I'm still not sure..but you can bet I'll take another ride sometime this week(the hell with the gas prices) and I'll find those Elk and post the pictures to prove it. Meanwhile here's a pic of birdhouses on a garage that we saw today and the game land sign. Bye for now...

PA game land sign 

The birdhouses 

Snow on the roof today 3/12; door starting to come off; who wants to take a bet as to when it falls down?  

Sticks and Stones..

Can break your bones; but words can never hurt you? (untrue) Words unspoken hurt even worst..Telling falsehoods (little white lies) just to justify your feelings (or no feeling at all) for the other person. HURTS in the long run. Are we humans raised in an enviroment to lie or tell falsehood? Where is this taught? Certainly not being raised in a home where religion is a prominent factor and your family always sits together in the same pew every Sunday... You preach the word of the lord when it benefits you..or you put on a good act in front of strangers and change behind closed doors. I've never understood how good church-goers can look in the mirror on Sunday morning; when all week they :bold face lie.. mutilate others...use people to gain whatever...
I personally gave up on going to church long,long time ago..For many reasons...the priest we had was too touchie..the blue haired ladies ran the church and the priest(and still do)..I knew some of the outstanding members and some of their backrounds..I guess some felt that if they put that money in the collection basket all sins are forgiven.. Are they? I suppose someday we all have to pay a price in some way to justify our behavior here on this earth...Mine..Fathers and the Lover.......
Being the sinner that I am..raised Catholic, living with a lover and only separated from the ex. I won't feel right stepping even in the visibule of a church...one reason why I didn't go to my aunt's burial..but over the years how my life has changed...maybe long ago in this small town honesty was here..but for now- its LOST..Honesty hurts too, but the lies hurt even worst...

This old barn is starting to give up...Photo taken yesterday 3/10 before the lastest snow fall. I'll try to get another picture tomorrow or Sunday to see if little by little its collapsing like me..

Chilled to the bone

That damn groundhog was right!! I'm so cold inside and out......I'm not liking this weather at all. It never used to bother me; but I guess I'm older now and this so called menopause that we women go through is doing the opposite effect on me. Give me a hot flash!!..just one when I'm cold..so I can warm up alittle..No, I only get colder and I start to shiver..under a blanket while I'm typing this..the thermometer reads 80 in this room; can't be right....boy I hate getting older. Wonder when all this crap will be over? I hope it doesn't take years..I hate the mood swings that come with this..never had such high and lows before...poor lover...poor father. Father survived my mothers pause in life; I don't know if the lover has had a pause experience before or not...but he's having a dose of it with me. Poor lover. Oh Lover what am I to do? So sorry to put you through this; but it's life...how I wish men had the pause; instead of the seven-year itch.(is this term still used?)
Just like the pause; life keeps putting bumps in my life. My thirthy year old son is getting remarried in May. He dropped a bomb shell last night in a e-mail to me...he's made a decision not to invite me to the wedding...he's still having a big problem that his father and I have separated..and not on speaking terms.. the ex left me..not just once; but twice..(whole other story) So to make his big day go smoothly..he's not inviting either one of us...only his sister...This has broken my heart..but I'll stand by his wishes and let him lead his own life. I'll always be here for my children. I've loved and weathered them both thru sickness, school, college, moving upteen times, car accidents, co-signer for cars (not their father), bounced checks, underage drinking (Daughter) and even my sons' divorce..and I'll be here now!!
My only son all I can say is: you've grown into man; I'm proud of the life you've made for yourself; and the way you've have turned out. Keep growing; learn from your mistakes and be happy, you deserve it.
I love you now and forever..your mom

Tread carefully...so the floor doesn't give you away

Having to tread carefully; trying not to wake anyone in the house you step onto a place in the flooring and the whole house knows that someone is heading for the computer..trying to be ever so careful..I'm caught again.. Crap my time is limited here..As to the Lover (good morning) How long before you checked to see if I updated? To my Father (good-bye and drive safely the roads are slick; see you later) and to all... Tread Carefully out there Today..I have to do something about this floor!
As I was about to publish this post the phone rang..when a phone rings at 6:30am in this house something is wrong, somewhere..The mother instinct kicked in..who can it be at this hour? Looked at caller ID and it was the Father..he's hung up in traffic on the way to the nursing home..where and why I ask? Out the road? Where out the road? The first dip..ok people, I travel the same roads as my Father and there's more than one dip in the roads around here. Finally asked just tell me where you're at? The first dip to after the school..I know the place now..I ask if there's an accident ahead; I don't know he said. Must be over the crest of the hill. Then he said the traffic is starting to move and he hangs up. I don't dare call him back..an 82 yr. old man caught in traffic with a string of cars ahead and behind him he has to keep his mind on what he's doing and not answering his cell phone..I'll wait till he calls me back..From my experience.. ...I'm glad I'm not behind him on the road today..on a clear day if you're behind my father in a no passing zone you'll be late..he has his own speed limit..nothing over 45mph..Like I said Tread Carefully today.

Amish hauling logs by horses.  

Like snow, hate the Cold

Who doesn't like fresh white prestine snow? When you look outside everything is blanketed in white and the untouched snow is a fresh start to the day. Then after that first cup of coffee and reality sets in the snow starts to take on a different meaning...you have to shovel...put air in the tractor tire again (meant to fix that last fall) and plow the driveway, shovel the paths to the feeders. By this time I'm on the second cup of coffee and the Lover is doing the snow thing.
Not that I wouldn't do it...he likes plowing snow (I think he likes it); and why spoil someone elses fun. This gives the Lover time to be alone...and a little time for me. Were together all the time; its good for both of us to be out of sight of each other.
Now that my Father has moved in; I have noticed a change in both the Lover and I. I'm in the middle (again) between two men that I love and care for. I'm beginning to get stressed and I'm feeling abit used. Father doesn't get it...the Lover doesn't get it ....being in the middle isn't fun. I find myself on edge when my father comes home...the lover doesn't talk much to my father ( I know the lover doesn't care to much for my father) so I'm the buffer..Lover has different views on my father living here. So do I. I don't know much about the lover's family. All I know is: his parents are deceased; has 3 brothers; an ex-wife, 4 grown children, and an ex-lover. The only one I've met is the ex-lover. We've been together for two years and I don't think he's told anybody about me. He must think I'm not worthy or good enough for his family. Sometimes I feel so darn unloved and lost that I could chuck it all and leave...start a new life somewhere, where I know all the mistakes before they happen and I'm part of someone's life and not a shadow of someone elses...
I know in my heart I can't leave yet; even though I'd like to. I'll just plug away in this little town that I call home for now. And maybe tomorrow the fresh snow will bring a new beginning............

The trip, the death, the move, the Father

The trip was uneventful; no big wins at the Casino, my free night stay at the Fallsview Hotel and Spa was great. Really nice room with the view of the American Falls. Lover's doctors appts. went well. Only the Hamilton appt. (which ran almost 3 hrs. late) had me a little uptight because it put me on the Queenie at rush hour. I thought the US had crazy drivers!! The Canadians have us beat; I swear some of the drivers that I saw should drive for the Racing Circuit. All in all the trip wasn't bad; they had snow and below zero temps. but I survived.
On the way home on Friday got a call that my Aunt and god-mother had died; she was 88 yrs. old. In the last 4 years since my uncle died; actually the day after his funeral she had forgotten most things; that her husband had just died and was laid to rest,our names, where she was and what she was doing...had to be a stroke....my aunt and uncle had no children of their own, but had several nieces and nephews and scads of (good Catholic; like I used to be) god-children. The one viewing was on Sunday afternoon and her burial on Monday. The viewing bothered me; she was in the same funeral home and the same spot as my mother was 9 yrs. ago and brought back that time in my life to the surface again. (I didn't want it to come back; so I left within a half hour). The burial was held without me being there. I'll remember her in my own way.
The move took place on Sat. without a hitch..until I got home!! My father doesn't know how to pack..kitchen stuff, clothes, pills, bathroom stuff all mixed in 6 boxes that came to the house. Guess who had to unpack and repack boxes? Yep...me. Guess who had to guess at what clothes were dirty and which were Clean? Yep me again....guess who wanted to choke someone? Yep..me again. I don't think I have washed so many clothes since my kids were in diapers!!!!
Well the FATHER is back...its like when your kids are out and you lie awake waiting for them to pull in the drive so you can go to sleep..Now I have to watch again that the toilet seat is down before I sit down. Back a year or so ago; I went to the bathroom in the night, after dad was in there before I; I didn't turn on the light and you guessed it I made the splash, not only that but my left elbow hit the corner of the wall and chipped the bone. The pain was over powering and at the same time I couldn't get out of the toilet. My dad was at the door asking if I was ok....was I; hell no..I needed his help and since I'm sure he had to changed my diaper at some point when I was little and seen my ass before he could help me out of the toilet; since it was his fault I landed there in the first place...so he did get me out and got some ice for the elbow. We both learned a lesson from this: its his job to put the seat down (he has forgotten this already) and my job is to turn the lights on and look before I sit!
Whoever trained the Lover I'm grateful, the seat is always down and the lid closed. Thank God for small miracles.........Sorry for the long entry but I've been up since 5am; dad slamming stuff around and I could hear some cussing going on about the tv; poor dad has so much trouble with the remotes for the tv set and satelite. He just can't remember how to work them..He has left for the nursing home and has called that he made it there safe and sound. The month has come in like an lion..snow!!! Which means out like a lamb on my birthday.......OH MY.........

American Falls in Niagara Falls, ONT. The sun is rising on the Niagara river.